East of Broken Bow | blondebeck - 3/11/2019 00:26
Feeling a little discouraged with another long calving season... I’ve been scouring the Internet for support for the rancher’s wife but seem to have come up short. They’re mostly romanticized or humorous lists of how insensitive ranchers are to the needs of their wives or the people around them (because cattle come first- ALWAYS.) Hard to wrap my head around putting any sort of vocation above your family’s needs (why even marry?). Of course I’ve got my female friends but nothing takes the place of time and conversation spent with my dear husband of 5 years. The advice I’ve read/received is along the lines of “get out and work with him to spend time together”, but nobody will explain to me how I’m supposed to help sort pairs or feed while stuck inside a crappy feed pickup with a 1 and 3 year old (and one more on the way). We’re just in the way and “ain’t nobody got time for that”. I want to be supportive, encouraging and loving, but I feel like a single mom and I’m emotionally drained and lonely. Of course, there is always the perpetual promise of “this is just a season”, but calving turns into branding, which rolls into turn-out and fencing and farming and then summer brings haying and irrigating. Autumn, there’s repairs and shipping and sorting and working and driving the cattle home. And then the tasks of feeding and breaking ice and busting snow drifts take over once again. Husband can’t even make the time to fix a leaky O ring in the kitchen faucet. I know he’s busy- with no end in sight. And I do realize that I have the perspective of time that allows me to look back on generations past and be grateful I have a washing machine and a halfway functional dishwashing machine, food on the table, and a husband that is generally kind to me- I do have a lot to be grateful for, I know. And I am grateful. But I also have the privilege of a childhood defined by secure, deep relationships with my parents and the perspective that money and work aren’t really what it’s all about, especially since we can’t take any of it when we go. I guess I just wonder if I am really cut out for this...
Any grand perspectives anyone can offer up for me?
Much appreciated.
First off, you say your husband treats you good, except he's spending all his time working.
Just remember this, in the average man's mind, he is working extra hard, to provide a living, and security for his family. Most men, and farmers/ranchers in particular seem to just be wired in such a way, that they show their devotion to their family, by all the hard work that they do on their behalf. In a way, that he's willing to work so hard, and still be kind and loving to you, makes me think that in his mind, he's doing all this for his family. I'm not saying he's 100% right in thinking that way. I'm saying that you and the kids are his motivation, right or wrong.
Also, men and women consider time together completely differently. He probably considers you driving the feeding pickup while he does chores to be the two of you working 'together', even though you probably consider it the two of you doing something in the same general vicinity.
Another thought, I don't know how your father in law is, but I have seen some instances, where the kids (sons especially) were trained almost from birth, to be dad's 'helper', and had been told from day one how getting all the farm/ranch work done is the top priority. Let me guess, 'Dad' is getting older, and just can't do all he used to, and your husband has to do extra, to take up the slack. He sees it as his 'duty', and you see it as taking all the energy he has, leaving little for his family?
Farther down, it was mentioned about calving later in the season, to avoid the bad weather. For years and years, everyone had the idea that you had to calve early because (1) the calves weighed a few pounds more in the fall, and (2) that's the way we always did it. Well, some years ago, we went to later calving, our first heifer last year calved March 19th, and as of yet, we have no new ones to worry about in this cold & snowy weather. We heard the same stories, how we're hurting ourselves financially doing this, but we haven't. First off, we have less death loss. More years than not, we don't even have a chilled calf we have to bring in the house to warm up. Second, the cows eat less hay, because they aren't nursing a calf in the cold, plus we don't need nearly the hay or stalks for bedding we would, if calving earlier. Many people who never calved later, don't realize how much less work it is per cow, how much less time you need to spend out there, when you don't have to worry about bedding them down, or finding the calf before it chills, except for maybe the 1 in 10 year odd late storm, and yes, we still get all the farming done. I really don't think it affected our overall profit much if at all, and there is WAY less stress this time of year. For me, February is the time we take the kids places for fun. All I really have to do, is get the cows fed & watered, and if the roads are good, we can spend the rest of the day doing whatever. That alone, has really helped my relationship with my wife and kids. In fact, I wouldn't go back to February calving just for that reason, even if there was more money in it.
Good luck, and remember, in his mind, he isn't meaning to neglect you, he's working hard, to secure your future. |
am I cut out for this?
