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SE MN | I've had only a taste of what you are going through but will try to answer some of your concerns.
First, she hasn't moved on so quickly. It takes time to decide that you aren't happy in a marriage, realize that you want a divorce, take all the steps to sort that out, and drum up the gumption to have the talk and leave. From her perspective, your marriage was dead all the way back when she decided that she no longer wanted to be married to you. That could be a year or more before you heard anything about it. She had already processed her emotions and done the grieving that you are doing now.
In regards to what you are feeling, I am not a guy who is strongly affected by emotions. I had a good girlfriend for about a year and decided that I couldn't see myself with her so let her go. It really didn't phase me. She seemed to take it harder. Years later I'm still single and doing a little snooping and find out that she has a new guy. A guy who is less than me in some ways but probably better for her overall. It knocked me on my butt like I have never felt before. My chest tightened up, I felt physically ill, it was probably the closest I have ever come to weeping from emotional distress rather than just acute sadness. Unlike the other strong emotions that I have felt, it didn't go away in a few hours. I thought about other things, did other activities, slept, ate, waiting for it to just fade away. Days went by and I was desperately asking myself if this was going to be my life from now on. Minute by minute there was not perceptible change. Even when I wasn't directly thinking about her, the physical feeling was still there and even a distraction didn't alleviate it. The only thing that helped was time. It took me a couple weeks to shake it mostly off, but that was a minor relationship compared to yours.
You need to accept that you are going to feel this way for the foreseeable future but not forever. Your job is to do whatever it takes to get yourself and your son safely through this time and to the other side. It will get better but not right away. Be as kind to yourself as you can. You will need some rest and down time to process, but don't let it turn into a pity hole. I assume that as a farmer you are a stubborn independent type who prefers not to rely on others and likes to be the one coming to the rescue. You need to fight that and accept the help and especially companionship of others. The worst thing you can do is push everyone away and stew in your misery, which is the response that strong independent types frequently have. Pack up the boy and go the your parent's house, or your sibling's house, or a friend's home as much as possible. The other people and bustle will take the spotlight off of the missing part of your family that you probably are reminded of at home. Consider a pet if that makes sense but don't take on that responsibility lightly. Try to have a schedule and appointments that involve other people that keep you moving, give you a reason to get the chores done, get cleaned up and go do something. Go to local farmer type meetings even if you don't have an explicit reason. Church and community functions, Meetup.com if you are near an urban area.
Good luck. You are running a marathon not a sprint, so pace yourself and don't be too hard on yourself if you head down some dead ends. The only thing that matters is that you keep moving ahead.
PS, if you find that certain things always take your thoughts back to her, like something in the house, you should prioritize changing that. Repaint, change the drapes, get some new furniture, remodel the kitchen if needed. It will give you a sense of ownership over a domain that was once hers.
PPS, if you find that you are constantly thinking of her with rose colored glasses, pining for her, still hung up on how attractive or great she is even though you know better, I have a trick that helps me overcome that with women I know I can't have. There is some aspect of her that you are not impressed by. Her nose is too big, that mole on her lip, her hair is too thin, her butt is too big, her butt is too small, pick the thing that you were willing to overlook, but honestly would have liked to be different. Now expand that to cartoonish proportions. If her nose was too big, imagine her with an enormous nose of disgusting proportions. Butt too big, picture her with one of the butts you see in Walmart after midnight. Hold that image in your mind and commit it to memory, it should disgust you at least a little bit. When thoughts of her intrude, and they will pop into attention all the time, immediately focus on that image. Any time she enters your thoughts, immediately focus on that image. For me, it pretty quickly trains my subconscious that reminding me of her will result in that disgusting image rather than 15 minutes of wasted time thinking longingly about how perfect she was and the urges to think of her go away quickly.
Edited by john holland 1/18/2018 01:21
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Divorce Question
