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Boone Co. Iowa | I know that the "in-laws" can sometime be problematic. My concern is for my wife and her relationship with her father and step-mother. The set-up takes a while, so bear with me.
My wife's real mom died when she was 13, her little sister 11. Smoking caused cancer, she became ill and died in about 6-10 month period. By the time she was a graduating senior, her dad had found her new step-mom. I never met her real mom, met my wife when she was in late 20's 10 years ago. Her parents are just not that nice to her (and her sister). We get calls a week or two before they want to "visit" (we are nice overnight stop for the state fair, or annual antique show in Iowa). Otherwise, no contact. Typical father's day, my wife tries her dad's cell phone 2-3 times, no answer, she calls step-mom, (who says "Oh, he's right here...do you want to talk to him?") then "dad" says Yeah, I figured you might be trying to get a hold of me. I guess it's father's day isn't it. Thanks for calling." (she used to cry about it, but is getting used to it.)
Step-mom is a hoarder. Not trash exactly, i.e. some folks collect this stuff, but she doesn't throw things away. Anyway, apparently her dad and mom had a falling out about this because he didn't have any room for anything, and they supposedly got in a fight of some sort. "Dad" didn't realize she was gone until that evening, around 8-9 o'clock and he had been served supper yet. She was gone 2-3 more days before dad tried to contact her. (we find out later this has happened before???) I don't know that my father-in-law knew at all where she was, or where she disappears to, but apparently stepmom's crazy brother (I think one philippino "bride" and one "indonesian" bride, at same time; i.e. he is a sick @#$# who goes to Asia and photographes 14 year old girls; spent teen years in jail I think; no one really knows or talks about it, he just "reappears" 4th of July (can you believe he likes to shoot his own fireworks off??? :) ) ) gets to talk to her and/or see her when she "disappears." (they are 900 mile drive apart, but brother and sister).
We find out about this because Father -in- Law calls to say, Hey, can we stay overnight with you and go to see stepmom's grandson showing at the state fair? by the way, I haven't seen your stepmom for 8-9 days, but crazy uncle has informed me that she will get back tonight and wants to go to state fair in 2 days, so could we stay with you? (then, the rest of the story spills out)
My wife and I are floored to find this out, and how her father and stepmom treat each other (i.e. 2-3 days missing before you even try to contact her???? Really???) Stepmom sends messages to her husband via her crazy brother (Crazy brother got my father-in-law Playboy subscription one year for Xmas), and I cannot figure out why they treat each other like this.
So.......
Following day, my wife calls back to say No, makes me uncomfortable to have you and stepmom stay overnight after finding all this out. Sounds like you two should sort some things out.... (this is honestly 24 hours later) "Dad"s' response is Oh, silly little girl, grown-ups have these little flare ups all the time. Everything is fine. Yeah, your step mom is back (she's been posting on facebook for a day now...she really missed her facebook!) The gist is, dad treats his daughter like she is silly little girl, don't worry your stepmom and I aren't going to get a divorce or anything....He doesn't seem to understand we would be uncomfortable hosting a couple that just had a fight, one "ran away from home" and they haven't talked for 10 days!!! Huh???
Comment that got me was (my wife and are planning on building home in country - have planned this 2-3 years, my grandparent's old homestead, we lived beneath our means past 10 years, wife works and provides health ins., etc. etc.) was (I found out only yesterday) that her dad said during original call "So, are you guys building a mansion or just a regular normal sized home?" This from a guy who has had a professional position at one of the best companies in the US for employee working conditions, just retired a few months ago....Apparently my wife and I are supposed to feel bad for them since they don't have any money, on account of their collecting and hoarding.
That is the comment he uses to break the ice before he asks us if he and his wife can stay at our house.
Come on.
I am easy going. I let a lot of stuff slide, and try to have compassion for others, and give my father in law and stepmom the benefit of the doubt. I've always encouraged my wife to mend these relationships; family is important to both of us. But I am tired of my wife getting stepped on. Hate to go all ballistic on my in-laws (I am really easy going - I go ballistic once a decade), and I would be prepared to if I thought it would help.
My wife's sister has basically decided to cut them out of the picture (they have 2 year old boy - we have 18 mo old girl), and my wife doesn't want to see to do that (we are 3+hours away from her parents; sister is 35 minutes away).
(another good step mom story - one year ago, visiting stepmom's aging mother in nursing home (she had yet to meet her 6 month old great granddaughter (this is step relation, btw), and stepmom is going through her jewelry, then picked out 2 items, shoved them in her pocket, and said, after stuffing them in her pocket, "Oh, you never wear this, I will see this at auction for you, and give you the money." ) Grandma asks me how the crops look - stepmom prattles on for 5 minutes, getting about 50% right, then says, "Right, WeaveFarmer?" I just nod.
So, in the end, what can I do to help my wife (and our daughter) navigate this crap? Sometimes her sister and her talk 2-3 times a day, then will go 2 - 3 weeks where her sister will not return a phone call...Wife has gotten professional help to talk about this stuff (and still is getting help), but wondering if anyone has helpful suggestions THAT HAVE WORKED for dealing with in laws..... And, I'm not complaining about my relationship with them; just want to help my wife deal with stuff....
By the way, if you are thinking about a sitcom, have about at least 5-10 seasons worth of stories...(crazy uncle has some awesome one liners!!!)
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Can you believe this? :)
