Good morning everyone.  I know I haven't been around since my last post (Tough Times).  Here's a long update and some things I've learned about myself along the way.  Sorry its so long, but I needed to share this.

Open Letter to…

Do any of you remember the assignment in grade school, to write a letter to you future self?  It’s common tool for teachers to encourage writing because we get to write about what we know best, ourselves.  It’s our first exercise, generally, in goal setting.  I recall looking around the room and to a student everyone’s eyes went toward the ceiling and pencils tapped against their mouths.  I’m sure most of you did the same thing and your mind started racing.  Great job, huge house, nice cars, endless resources, the works.  As you continue to read this you’ll figure out that I know very little about women.  How many of you in your letter to your future self, wrote about what’s probably the most important factor, marriage, and how that will impact your future? I’m guessing almost no one, if you did you are a heck of a lot better or more worldly person than I am. 

As a man nearing middle age, a lot of what I wrote happened for me.  I loved the idea of being a farmer/rancher, dealing daily with nurturing livestock, soil, and crops.  I have been able to do that, not on a large scale, but modestly enough to know that it has treated me well.  I was able to meet and eventually marry a wonderful local young lady.  We have four children together and they are truly perfect. 

Rewind to six weeks ago, everything for me came to halt.  The letter to my future self wasn’t finished, it was incomplete.  My wife told me that she no longer ‘had those feelings’ for me.  I know many men out there have had this happen to them and feel blindsided, punched in the gut, instantly lost.  For fifteen years I did everything I thought she needed and wanted to make her happy.

We live in a material world in a material society.  I listened intently about the vehicle she wanted or needed to safely transport our family.  I listened when our last house was getting too small and started looking for a house that would accommodate our family and even allow for growth.  There was no job or work I wouldn’t take to make it happen.  When we were planning for the house to be delivered, yes one of those fancy houses with wheels under it, she did most of the leg work securing the contacts for that small piece of land we were hoping to set it on.  It seemed to me like this was going to make her extremely happy and less stressed, it did.  There have been a few material things before and after that, that I just said we’ve got the money go ahead and get it if you think we need it. 

I can tell you that my wife has the most beautiful smile that when combined with the twinkle in her eye, just makes me want to see it more and give more to see it.  I was lost in seeing that smile its light blinded me to the fact that I neglected the things that would’ve have made the most important part making her heart smile.  It’s that smile we need to concern ourselves the most with men.  Some of you, young men especially, think that you are macho enough that your existence is enough to make this tender gender’s love last forever.  Now, I can’t say this is true for all of you, and I know that there are many, many men out there who are way better at making their significant other’s heart smile better than I did. 

This message is for those men young and old who are married and blind to the heartache train that is coming down the track for you.  Treasure your wife, make time for her and shut off your phone and TV to learn about each other.  As you learn more about her you will learn more about yourself.  She needs you and wants you to first and foremost touch her heart.  This is my letter to my past self…you.  Every opportunity you don’t take to complement her beauty, spend a few minutes with her, or a hug her before leaving in the morning is a cut to her gentle heart that will leave a scar.  If you allow enough of those scars to cover her heart it will turn hard to you. What many men don’t realize because of their masculinity is that it also opens you up to her and she values being able to communicate with and see that side of you.  I understand that for a MAN to open up takes a tremendous amount of courage, but if she matters to you those are the things she will hold dear to her heart and never let anyone else know.  I can’t emphasize it enough that this heartache train will flatten you. 

In those first few moments after the train hit me, I knew that I had failed her heart.  In the minutes, hours, and days since the inevitable soul searching hasn’t ended.  A man who genuinely seeks a marriage bond needs to be taught, talked to, or even talked at.  For any man to be a man he needs to continue to give as much effort to his wife throughout the marriage as he did when he was courting her.  Be that man through thick and thin.  Take it upon yourself to be that for her, I’m telling you she doesn’t need much else in her life in order for her to feel complete, and when she feels complete, your life will take on new adventures.    

As this train is still rolling over top of me, I’ve been able to rekindle my relationship with God and prayed day and night for God to change me.  I have reached out to pastors of different denominations, tried to listen to podcasts, and read articles that are geared specifically to guys like me in this pain.  There is a lot of effort put toward trying to get this woman back into your life.  MEN, this is a huge deal, if I can put this much effort into trying to get her back why in the name of everything holy did I not put it in before we ever got to this point?  I continue to ask for his God’s help in dealing with the pain that is quite frankly paralyzing me.  My friends and family have been invaluable to me taking time out of their day to pray for my family and me.  I have been truly blessed by an extraordinary support system.  My family has been very patient and very supportive.  Each and every friend I have shared this news with has been amazing, offering their prayers, their time, their support, and their wisdom. 

            I will not quit this fight for my wife and our family.  To me this means something, it means everything.  I would give up absolutely everything I’ve worked for to heal this woman’s heart, the thing I should’ve been working the hardest for all along.  Inevitably if I would’ve done that consistently for the past 15 years the pain train would’ve stayed at the depot.  I want you young men out there who have young relationships and truly love the woman you made an eternal commitment to, to invest in it.  My ultimate goal in this is to restore the sanctity of marriage and relationships, make this a conversation that men can have freely without feeling insecure or weak. 

            As I conclude this letter to my future self, I leave behind my past self.  A selfish person who believed I could make myself happy in marriage and didn’t need to worry about anyone else to make that happen.  My happiness was shallow, I learned it was only on the surface for me because her happiness is what’s deep within me.  Remember your wedding day, the vows you made, no day in your life will you speak more important words.  The convent of marriage is a bond that is made to evolve and grow, like corn plant that needs cultivated, the proper balance of nutrients, and time spent in the field examining what it continues to need to maximize its potential.  When given the proper care the stalk grows strong and can withstand the harshest elements Mother Nature throws at it.  Do the same for your marriage.  If you’re reading this and it helps you gain a new appreciation for who you wake up next to every morning, God Bless you.  Pay it forward for the next guy, be a man, be vulnerable and love her.