Carlinisms 
by George Carlin

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water?  Try spelling Evian backwards.... 

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool? 

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
Tennessee Titans ? 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ...does that mean that one
enjoys it? 

There are three religious truths: 
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of Christian faith. 
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented? 

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes? 

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What's a whack? 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't they stale bread to
begin with? 

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist? 

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me they're cramming for their final
exam. 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?  Toothpicks? 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are
we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they're delivering the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?