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. | Words can't say enough. I know this post is rambling, but none of you realize how very, very much your encouragement meant to me yesterday. It's been an extremely rough patch lately, and I'd reached the very end of my rope.
Work overload has been extreme, to say the least, then a couple weeks ago my son comes in on Sunday morning red eyed and in shock telling me a good friend killed himself the night before getting a ticket for DWI. It was like someone hit me in the stomach too. This spring he'd come by and helped for us for a week hauling out manure. Cheerfully show up in the morning to untangle and cut all the nasty strings off the manure spreader and come back for more. Only 33 years old. I haven't been able to get that out of my mind.
The mind is a powerful thing too, I know it's only another year, another day, but in my head there was a little voice talking to me all year, 10 years, 10 long years since John passed away; on his birthday, our anniversary, and the date I can never get out of my mind, the day of his death. I think I could have worked through it fairly well until I realized yesterday morning that Snuggles wasn't going to recover, and it was up to me to keep him from suffering more. By the time the day was over I had completed soaked 5 or 6 handkerchiefs with tears I had shed for Snuggles, for Will, and for John, and yes for myself, just feeling sorry for myself. I accomplished nothing, and yet I did. I didn't get work done, but I held Snuggles for a couple hours, petting him and telling him how much he was loved and I thought back to that morning 10 years ago when I told John to just let go, it would be hard, but I would go on without him. He needed to be with God and let go of his earthly struggles. I remember clear as if it just happened. The second he took his last breath, his soul departed; that was no longer him there, just a body and I knew, in my heart he was at peace. I wish I could say the same for myself as I've struggled along since then. My church going has faltered, I rarely go, but the talks I have with God are a whole lot more regular and real than all the Sundays of going to church.
That day John died as we drove to the funeral home to make arrangements it was like my world had stopped in it's tracks, while everyone else continued on around me. Yesterday was much the same. It was a very long night. Cuddles finally realized her pal wasn't in the house with her and she fussed and barked through a lot of the night. It must be so confusing and scary for her. She came outside with me to let the chickens out; the sun shown brightly and a flock of geese passed over us honking. The leaves are changing in color as another season, another year passes and I could smell the fragrant scent of the newly cut hay. And I know, that even as I struggle through this time, God is out there and someday I'll see John, my family & my pooches again.
Again thank you so much for your thoughts, encouragement and prayers.
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- RE: Love, prayers, kindness and thoughts to keep me going - chinband : 9/22/2020 13:31
- RE: Love, prayers, kindness and thoughts to keep me going - dairyman78 : 9/22/2020 14:03
- RE: Love, prayers, kindness and thoughts to keep me going - barren : 9/22/2020 17:00
- RE: Love, prayers, kindness and thoughts to keep me going - chickenqueen : 9/23/2020 13:22
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Love, prayers, kindness and thoughts to keep me going
