Massey1155 - 3/20/2026 20:22

Best Chuck Norris jokes and sayings
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris cannot turn left, because he is always right.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn't tip the waiter. The waiter tips him.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

If rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, and paper beats rock, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris left home, he told his father: "You're the man of the house now."

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris doesn't do a push up. He pushes the world down.

Chuck Norris has to sleep with the lights on because the dark is afraid of him.

When the bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, sharks get out of the ocean.

Clouds don't rain. They sweat when they see Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.

When Chuck Norris cooks, he makes the onion cry.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris

Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be in the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can fold a fitted sheet.

When Chuck Norris makes a mistake, the mistake apologizes.

Fire doesn't burn Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris burns fire.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a keyboard. He tells the computer to write something, and it does.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burnt. That would be a foolish thing for the sun to do.

There is no chin underneath Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.

The sun rises and sets according to Chuck Norris’s sleep schedule.

Chuck Norris got pulled over by police once. He let the cop go with a warning.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to mow his lawn. The grass is afraid to grow.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he made a mistake.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror there’s no reflection, because there’s only one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris had a stunt double. He was used for crying scenes.

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number. You picked up the wrong phone.

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives to tell about it.

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19. Now the virus has to quarantine.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.

Legends live forever. Chuck Norris lives longer.

Chuck Norris once drove the Pacific Coast Highway. The ocean pulled over to admire the view.

The San Andreas Fault isn’t overdue. It’s just waiting for Chuck Norris’ permission.

Hollywood doesn’t make Chuck Norris movies. Chuck Norris allows Hollywood to exist.

Before Chuck Norris moved to Los Angeles, traffic flowed freely.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a surfboard in California. The waves carry him.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame didn’t give Chuck Norris a star. He gave it credibility.

California wildfires don’t spread toward Chuck Norris. They know better.

Chuck Norris once visited Death Valley. Now it’s just “Valley.”

Yosemite’s cliffs aren’t steep — they’re just leaning away from Chuck Norris.

Ghosts sit around campfires and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Time waits for no man … unless that man is Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

Chuck Norris could kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris didn't do push-ups. He pushed the Earth down.

Chuck Norris could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

In heaven, even miracles check with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups…
He pushes the Earth down.

When Chuck Norris enters a room,
he doesn’t turn the lights on — he turns the dark off.

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