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An update, here it is, for the world to see and know...
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Posted 3/25/2009 00:08 (#655696)
Subject: An update, here it is, for the world to see and know...


Heil Harvesting, Ulysses KS/Limon CO
This is verbatim what I posted on Facebook. My idea, my therapists encouragement. I hold many people here in very high esteem. I truly hope that my journeys and struggles with this can help others...

Here it is, for the world to see...

If you were tagged in this: It means for some reason I wanted you to know this. I would appreciate you taking five minutes of your time to read this, to think about this, to comprehend this. It would really mean a great deal to me if you would do so, and send me a message letting me know that you read this.

Where to start, what to do? Questions that apply more to life than how to start this note. Questions more serious than those asked after the break up of a long term relationship. These questions ring true to me more and more these days.

OK, so where am I going with this?

This story starts five years ago. I was on top of the world. My ducks were in a row, I had life by the tail. I was in control, I knew everybody. I was kind, I was compassionate, I was a man of the people. Making the grade and making life work. That person is a vague memory for me today.

April 6, 2004, a happy day or so we thought. The day that assured I would have vision for rest of my life. In the fall of 2003 I was diagnosed with Keratoconus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keratoconus), a degenerative eye disease. My progression was rapid, very rapid. By that spring, I was barely legal to drive. I was scheduled for the first of two cornea transplants. Going into surgery, I told people I wigged out. Actually, I had a vagal reaction. I forced myself into shock. I had a seizure. I screwed up the chemical balance in my head.

From that day on, life has never been the same. Things slipped away slowly. At first, I didn't realize it. As time went on it became very apparent. I became an amazing actor and an amazing liar. I had no clue what was going on, I had no clue what was happening. My grades slipped, my work ethic slipped. Contact with some of my best friends became less and less. I became very closed off, a slob, and a man full of excuses. At times, I was an asshole with a temper. At times I cried, other times I was grumpy. And then there were the rare happy days. I was the definition of irresponsible. I said a lot of things I did not mean. I took the path of least resistance. I became a lonely miserable person that I was ashamed of then, that I am ashamed of now.

I lived with severe clinical depression.

To all of you, I apologize sincerely now. I am working down a list of people to call or visit, at which time I intend to personally apologize. I am ashamed, I am sorry, I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. While I may specifically not remember what I did to you, what I lied about, what I said that I wished I hadn't, I assure you it happened. Again, I am searching for forgiveness. That would help me greatly. If not, I understand that, I respect that. What I do ask of you is that you respect me for what I am doing.

Six weeks ago, I broke. Enough was enough. I was tired of acting, I was tired of lying. I gathered my courage and sought the counsel of a minister who is a licensed counselor. A man I now hold in high esteem, a man I can talk to about anything. In our first visit, he instructed me to see a Doctor, to seek medication.

The depression is chemical, the depression is my head, not in my head. The psychological and emotional toll this has taken on me over the past five years is significant. I am embarrassed by this, but I truly hope my experiences can help others. No one should have to live the way I lived. The medication is starting to change things, the counseling is extremely helpful andwill go on. We relive many of the times of my life, the happy times, the sad times. We have many mountains to climb, sometimes it seems impossible, but we trudge forward. Patience I am learning. There is hope. There is light.

Some who read this may very well take away from this that I am weak. That I am looking for excuses to justify the past. That depression is all a mind set. To those of you out there, I respect that, you are wrong, but I respect that opinion. I lived with depression for five years and did not believe in its reality. Depression is chemical, being depressed is in your head.

There are a lot of repercussions for my actions. Relationships, grades, decisions, credit--all things in need of repair. I tell you now that the most important thing to me in life are the relations I have with people. I am working on my problems, I am working hard. Things will begin to fall into place, I have no doubt. Life will be good again.

Now, to those of you who have never met the 'old B-rad', the fun Brad, I anxiously wait for the day that I can introduce you to that person. For those of you who knew that person, the fun times are not over. We will again get loaded and ride in commercial dryers. I hope we can miss the cuff and stuff this time though. There is hope, there is light. Life is good.

Note: This is possibly the most difficult piece of public writing I have published. My counselor and I visited about whether this was a good idea, with his encouragement I wrote it, Tuesday, March 24 2009. I am both proud and ashamed of this work. Ashamed of what I did and proud of my ability to speak openly and honestly about it. I know that this will help me heal.

If you do not know why you were tagged, there was a reason. Maybe I did or said something to you that I regret. Maybe I feel that I owe you an explanation. Maybe I just want you to know.

Sincerely,

Bradley E Heil

bradh at piitrader.com
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