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swmn/soin | Subject: tazer
Date: Thursday, April 07, 2011 9:13 PM
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
< > A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
< > A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; and
< > A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, so I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF G-D. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE #$%*#$%&* !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room.
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution:
There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor! A three-second burst would be considered
conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape.
* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure,
and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now
regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! | |
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humor for a saturday
